


Looking at the Stars

by rentchica10



Category: Outlander (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Forbidden Love, Helwater, Lord John Deserves Nice Things, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:48:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24033043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rentchica10/pseuds/rentchica10
Summary: In which Jamie and Lord John's tentative friendship at Ardsmuir and Helwater slowly begins to turn into something more (aka Lord John finally gets his own epic romance).
Relationships: Jamie Fraser/Lord John Grey
Comments: 19
Kudos: 69
Collections: Outlander Bingo Challenge





	1. August 1760

“I’d invite you to play a game of chess, but I think I’ve had far too much to drink to have any chance at beating you tonight,” John said as he sank into his chair breathlessly.

“Ye had some fun at the ball tonight then, did ye?” Jamie asked.

“I did, after all. I’d forgotten that it can be nice to surround oneself with good friends and dancing.”

“And good wine, of course.”

“Of course. I am glad I came for this.”

“I’m glad ye came too, John. May I?” Jamie asked, gesturing to the bottle of whiskey on the table. John nodded and smiled as Jamie poured them both glasses.

“I cannot believe I’ve lived to see the day when Jamie Fraser admits to enjoying my company. Cheers,” he said, holding up the glass that Jamie offered.

“Sláinte.” Jamie returned the gesture. “I think ye ken I’ve enjoyed yer company for some time now, John. Tis always nice to see a friendly face in this house.” The two men sipped their drinks in silence for a few minutes before Jamie spoke again.

“Can I ask ye a question?” He looked over at John, who looked a bit confused but nodded. “When…how did ye first know ye were…inclined to men?” John went paler than Jamie had ever seen, tipped back the rest of his glass, stood up, and began to pace around the room.

“Well, that certainly wasn’t what I was expecting, but I suppose I did agree.” He stopped and wrapped one hand up against the bed post, leaning his arm against it. “I don’t remember exactly, just that as a boy, when the other boys began to talk about which girls they thought were pretty, and which ones they wanted to do indecent things to, I didn’t feel that way about any of them.”

“But ye felt that way about some of the boys?”

“Yes, I suppose I did.”

“So it wasn’t one particular boy, twas just boys in general?”

“Eventually it was one in particular, the one I told you about from the war.

“Hector,” Jamie said.

“Yes,” John looked up in surprise, “yes, Hector. But I knew I was this way before that, if that’s what you’re asking. And I knew I had to pretend not to be.” His earlier drunkenness seemed to be wearing off far too quickly for this conversation, so he poured himself another quick drink.

“Is there a particular reason for these questions, then?”

“I only wish to understand what tis like for men like you. Is it always like this, where ye always ken how ye feel? Or do ye think some might only feel it for one man in particular?”

“Jamie, please.” John walked over to the window, set his drink down, and gripped the sill tightly, no longer able to look at Jamie.

“John?” He could hear Jamie’s footsteps coming toward him.

“Don’t, please – don’t come any closer.”

“I didna mean to offend ye, I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t offend me, Jamie,” he said, “I made you a promise once that I would never lay a hand on you again, or act in any untoward manner, and I mean to keep that promise. But you know how I feel about you, and you are making it very difficult to do so with this…teasing, or whatever this is.” 

“I am no’ intending to tease ye, I swear it.”

John leaned his head against the cool window and closed his eyes. “Then what are you intending to do?”

“I only…I wanted to ken what it feels like, to want to be wi’ another man.”

“Dear God, Jamie. I cannot…I need you to go before I turn around and do something I will certainly regret in the morning.”

“I am sorry, John, I’ll stop.”

“Please, Jamie, just go.”

“Ye really want me to leave?”

“Yes, I do.” John could feel a tear coming down his face while he held onto the windowsill as though it was the only thing keeping him alive.

“Alright,” Jamie said softly as he turned and walked out. It was only once he was certain he had heard the door shut that he allowed himself to sink down onto the floor and weep.

***

Upon finishing lunch the next afternoon, John found himself wandering down to the stables, reaching them before he even realized where he’d been walking. He stopped at the doorway and shook his head slightly before pulling himself up to his full height and striding in.

“Mr. MacKenzie,” he said, “I am in need of someone to accompany me on a ride this afternoon.”

“Of course, Lord Grey,” Jamie replied, his eyes fleetingly registering surprise before he arranged his face back into a mask of neutrality. Before John could say anything else, he turned away and began to prepare the horses. 

It was probably for the best, John thought to himself, since he didn’t exactly have a plan for what he was going to say to Jamie after the disaster of the night before. Everything he had come up with in the past several hours seemed like it was either going to end with him shouting at Jamie or getting punched by him. But he couldn’t very well say nothing and hope to maintain whatever semblance of friendship they’d managed to develop over the years.

Once Jamie had finished tacking up their horses, he two of them rode out into the forest in an uneasy silence for around half an hour before John abruptly pulled up his horse and dismounted in one fluid motion. 

“We should stop here.”

“Aye, that’s fine, then,” Jamie replied. John paced back and forth for a few minutes while Jamie found a spot next to a nearby stream to tie the horses up. When Jamie walked back towards him with that inscrutable look on his face, John finally sat down on a long log and motioned for Jamie to do the same. He took a long, deep breath before the words he hadn’t known he’d been keeping in began to spill out of him.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like for someone like me?” John glanced at Jamie, barely pausing before he continued on, “To live your entire life knowing that all of society thinks your desires are so perverse that you should be put to death if you act on them? To know that all you’ll ever hope to have are stolen moments? And if you’re lucky, you’ll guess correctly when you lock eyes with a man – he’ll want to sneak off to a darkened alleyway or the edge of an army camp for a few minutes of mostly-clothed fucking, rather than punching you or hauling you off to the magistrate. If you’re truly fortunate, he won’t feel so ashamed afterwards that he beats you senseless, but will just slip off into the night without saying another word.” They sat for a few moments in silence as John stared off into the forest, refusing to let the tears at the corner of eyes fall down his face.

“No John, I dinna ken what that’s like. I’ve had plenty a’ hardship in my life, but none such as that.” Jamie placed his hand gently on John’s shoulder and John turned back to look at him. “I am truly sorry for causing ye distress.”

“I ken…I told ye some of what happened with Black Jack Randall,” Jamie continued. John looked over at him sharply.

“You know you don’t have to tell me anything you do not wish to.”

“I think I need to, to explain.”

“Alright,” John whispered. There was a long pause before Jamie continued.

“Before I knew what he was, when I was imprisoned at Fort William, after he had given me the first set of lashes, he offered me a…trade. That if I let him bugger me, he wouldna give me the second set. And I truly thought about it, because it wasna the buggery that bothered me, but giving up that control to him. And then later, when he…” Jamie’s voice trembled almost imperceptibly and John struggled to hold back his hand from laying on his knee to comfort him. He would not break his promise, not without being sure.

“When he violated me, the worst of it was how my body betrayed me, and how I felt pleasure even when I didna want to.” Jamie paused for a moment before coming back to the present.

“I’ve never been inclined to men before, and with all this, I dinna ken what it means, but I shouldna have used ye to…try out my feelings.”

“Wait,” John said, his head reeling, “What are you saying?”

“Honestly, I dinna ken, John. All I ken is that I feel differently to you than I have to any other friends I’ve had. But I dinna ken what it means, and if tis just that I’m lonely, or that I ken how ye feel about me and you’re my friend, and I dinna want to hurt ye, John.”

“Jamie, please – will you tell me what it is that you want from me?”

“Lately, I canna stop imagining kissing ye. But-”

“You want me to kiss you?” John asked, turning sideways on the log so that he was facing Jamie head on.

“Aye, but as I said, I dinna ken why, or what it means,”

“But you wish it? You wish to kiss me?”

“Aye, John, I do.”

John leaned in, placed his hands on Jamie’s cheeks, and kissed him deeply. Over and over again, for what seemed like hours but was probably less than a minute. When he finally pulled away to take a breath, he looked at Jamie’s face for any sign of distress or regret. But all he found was a small grin which he couldn’t help but return.

“We, ah, we probably shouldn’t keep doing this out in the open. That is, if you want to keep doing this?”

“Aye, I think I do.”

“Will you come by my room tonight?”

“Of course,” Jamie smiled.

***

At the quiet rap on his door, John leapt to his feet to open it.

“Come in, Jamie.”

“Thank ye.” His eyes swept over the room, which somehow had a very different tone to the night before, and they crinkled with laughter when they got to the small table in front of John’s bookshelf.

“Did ye mean for us to play chess tonight, then?”

“I meant for us to do whatever you would wish tonight.” John took a step towards Jamie as though to put his hand on his arm, but stopped himself at the last moment.

“John,” Jamie began.

“Will you permit me to say something first, before you say anything?” Jamie smiled warmly and sat down in one of the wooden chairs near the table, gesturing for John to do the same.

“I have been with men before who thought they wanted one thing at night, away from anyone else’s eyes, but couldn’t look at me or speak to me the next morning. And you and I have become friends, yes?”

“Aye, we have. I dinna think we’d be having this talk if we hadna.”

“Well, I’d like to still be able to say the same tomorrow, no matter what happens tonight. I don’t wish for you to become one of those people who can never look me in the eye again.” Jamie pulled John’s chair towards him, and placed his hand on his cheek, rubbing his thumb slowly across John’s cheekbones.

“If I promise ye that I will still speak to ye in the morning, will ye stop talking and kiss me now?” It was John’s turn to smile widely as he leaned in and pressed his lips gently to Jamie’s. He pulled back only briefly before weaving his fingers through Jamie’s unruly curls and tugging him back in. He felt Jamie’s other hand come up and wind itself into his hair as they connected with lips and tongues and gentle teeth, only pausing when they needed to breathe.

“My God, Jamie,” John said on one such occasion, “you are the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“Aye, you’re not so bad yourself. For an Englishman, that is.”

“I shall take that as high praise, coming from you.”

Jamie leaned back in his chair and sighed. “I should probably go back to my own quarters shortly.”

“You can hardly go back looking like that. What if someone were to see you?” 

“And what is it that I look like?”

“Like you’ve been thoroughly debauched by a young and handsome English lord,” John grinned.

“Well then, Lord John, I think ye’d better help put me back together.”

“Ah, but it was so much more enjoyable for me to take you apart.”

“Twas for me as well,” Jamie said, leaning in for one last quick kiss before John straightened his shirt and tied his hair back up for him.

“Will you write to me, until the next time I can come visit?” John asked, suddenly more serious. 

“Aye John, I will.” Jamie reached over to grasp John’s hand, rubbing his thumb up and down the side. “I willna regret this tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week, I promise. And ye ken I keep my word.”

John smiled at him, that longing smile he often had with just a tinge of sadness. “I’ll see you in a few months then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from the Oscar Wilde quote: "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."  
> The first chapter fulfills the "Forbidden Love" square on my Outlander Bingo 2020 card.


	2. November 1760

The leaves on the trees in and around Helwater had turned to beautiful oranges and yellows, and some begun to fall off, before John returned to the estate. He liked the Dunsanys, and on most occasions truly enjoyed their company, but all he could think about on this particular visit was getting back to the stables and seeing Jamie as soon as possible. 

“Lord Grey! How wonderful to see you, as always!”

“And you as well, Lady Dunsany,” John replied as he walked into the home’s grand foyer.”

“I’m afraid Lord Dunsany is away on business for the time being, but Isobel and Geneva and I would love for you to join us in the parlor.”

“Of course.” John took Lady Dunsany’s outstretched arm and walked over to see her daughters. After what seemed an excruciatingly long half an hour of tea and small talk, he managed to feign tiredness from his journey and excuse himself. After quickly stopping by his room, he walked down to the stables and found Jamie leaning over to clean one of the horses’ hooves. John leaned back casually against the doorframe to wait until he was free.

“Are ye going to say anything, or just stand there and watch?” Jamie asked without looking up.

“I’m perfectly happy to stand here and watch you work for a while.”

“Is that so? And which part of my work is it that ye find so interesting?”

“Oh, I would say it’s all fascinating from where I stand.” Jamie finished with the horse and put him away in his stall, then walked over to stand in front of John.

“It’s a wee bit late to be coming down the stables, Lord John. All of the other grooms have retired for the evening.”

“Are you telling me that we’re alone in here, Mr. Fraser?” John’s voice dropped down on the last two words, not wanting to reveal Jamie’s given name in case his assumptions were wrong.

“Aye, that’s exactly what I’m telling ye.” John quickly grabbed Jamie’s arms and walked him backward into a darkened corner and leaning in for a kiss. Jamie’s arms wrapped around John’s back and neck, pulling him in closer and pressing their tongues together. John moaned, deep in his throat, and Jamie felt shivers go down his spine. He leaned his head back against the stable wall, which John took as an opportunity to kiss and nibble his way down Jamie’s neck.

“Regrettably,” he said in between kisses, “I have to join the Dunsanys for supper and drinks tonight.”

“That is indeed unfortunate,” Jamie agreed, “as I would much prefer ye didna stop what you’re doing right now.” Jamie pulled John back up so their lips could meet again.

“I imagine I’ll be finished around 8 or 9, but you’re welcome to come up to my room whenever you would like. I’ve made it known that I’ll be tired after a long day’s journey and  
am not to be disturbed tonight.”

“Aye, I’ll come up after I’ve had a bit o’ supper myself, then. And I’ll try not to drink all the good whiskey before ye get back.

“How generous of you,” John smiled.

“Ye dinna have to meet them just yet, do ye?” John pulled out his pocket watch to check.

“No, I believe I have a bit more time before I need to get myself ready.” He leaned in to whisper into Jamie’s ear, “Whatever shall we do until then?”

***

It felt strange to Jamie, sneaking into the main house and then into John’s room when he wasn’t even there, but it would be nice to have some time alone in a warm, cozy room – especially one filled with good books and even better liquor. He walked over to the bookshelf and ran his fingers along the spines, remembering the smell of his father’s office and the joy of having his own set of books at Lallybroch. There were a few titles he recognized, but he picked up one he hadn’t seen before and settled in to one of John’s armchairs with a dram of whiskey – after all, he hadn’t promised that he wouldn’t drink any of it.

The novel was interesting enough, but Jamie found that his mind kept wandering to John – despite the fact that he only came here once a quarter, the whole room seemed to be filled with his presence. Three months had passed since they’d first kissed, and he still wasn’t certain what any of his feelings meant. It left Jamie unsettled, but perhaps he just needed not to worry about it for a while. It didn’t seem to bother John, after all. And he could still hear Jenny’s voice in his head, telling him she just wanted him to have some happiness. Although he didn’t think this was quite what she’d had in mind, he thought, chuckling to himself.

He had finally managed to immerse himself in the book by the time John returned an hour or so later.

“Did you find a good one?” John smiled at Jamie as he entered the room.

“Aye, tis. And how was your evening?”

“Not nearly as enjoyable as yours, I imagine. I find Isobel and Geneva entertaining enough, but I’m finding it is much more difficult to concentrate on conversations with them when I know you’re waiting for me in here.”

“Is that so?” Jamie set down his book, walked over to John, and wrapped his arms around his neck.

In lieu of an answer, John leaned in for a kiss. He slipped his tongue gently between Jamie’s lips as he ran his hands up and down his sides, and felt Jamie deepen the kiss in return. Their lips and tongues never parted as he began to walk Jamie back towards his bed. He paused only briefly to make sure Jamie wouldn’t stumble getting onto it, and to lift himself up to sit next to him, then his lips returned to Jamie’s as his hands began to unbutton Jamie’s waistcoat.

“Are ye having some difficulty with the buttons, there, Lord John?” Jamie asked as he kissed his way up John’s jaw to just behind his ear.

“It is,” John swallowed and leaned his head back, “somewhat more challenging,” as he felt Jamie’s warm breath in his ear, “with you distracting me like that.”

“Are ye saying ye want me to stop?”

“Don’t you dare.” Jamie kissed his way up and down John’s cheek and neck before John pulled him back into a searing kiss. He pushed Jamie’s waistcoat off his shoulders and began to pull his shirt up out of his trousers.

“Wait,” Jamie said as he pulled back, his composure wavering slightly for the first time all night.

“I apologize, Jamie, I didn’t mean-”

“It’s not that,” Jamie said, taking John’s hand in his own. “My back is…verra scarred. From the whipping.” He looked down before continuing, “I didna want ye to be alarmed.”  
John used his free hand to pull Jamie’s chin back up to look at him. He stared gently into Jamie’s bright blue eyes. “I will not be alarmed, I promise. May I?” he said, fingers teasing at the hem of Jamie’s shirt.

“Aye,” Jamie nodded and shifted himself around on the bed. John’s fingers gently grazed Jamie’s side as he pulled his shirt over his head and off. He ran his hand softly over the scars for a few moments before taking a deep breath.

“He’s dead, yes? The man who did this to you?” John said, more coldly than Jamie had ever heard him speak before.

“Aye, he’s dead. I killed him myself at Culloden.”

“Good.” There was a long pause, and Jamie was strangely heartened by the anger he felt radiating off of John. “I only regret that I cannot kill him again, for you.” After a moment, Jamie felt John’s lips begin to place light, gentle kisses all along his back. After a few minutes, he reached back with one hand to intertwine his fingers with John’s.

“Ye canna kiss away the scars, John.”

“I can try.” Jamie smiled warmly, even though he knew John couldn’t see. He never thought such a simple touch could make him feel so cherished, like a warm blanket wrapping him up on a cold day. His heart ached with tenderness as John finished kissing his way down his scarred back and pulled him in tight, Jamie’s back flush against John’s chest. He leaned his head back on John’s shoulder and reached up to pull John down for a kiss.

“Are you alright, Jamie?” Jamie hadn’t realized there were tears threatening to fall from his eyes until John spoke. “Does it…did I hurt you?”

“Nay, John, it doesna hurt anymore. It was a verra long time ago – it only looks ugly now. It’s just that,” Jamie paused a moment to collect himself, “no one’s ever done anything like that for me.”

“Well then,” John smiled, “More fool them, I say. I could spend all night kissing you.” John punctuated that reply with a quick kiss and added “And nothing about you could ever be ugly, Jamie.”

Jamie wasn’t quite sure how to respond to any of that other than to turn around and pull John in for another kiss. He was practically sitting in John’s lap, tongue in his mouth, fingers carding through his hair. And yet, he realized, he still wanted – needed – to be closer.

“Ye seem to be wearing quite a bit more clothing than I am,” he murmured in John’s ear.

“And is that a problem for you?” John said as he began to loosen his cravat. At the same time, Jamie started unbuttoning his waistcoat in response. 

“Aye, I’d say so. And ye have far too many buttons on this damn thing.” John smirked at that, but it only lasted until Jamie pulled his shirt off and began running his hands over his bare chest, for at that he closed his eyes and let out a small moan.

“Did ye get these on the battlefield?” Jamie asked as he ran his fingers over John’s scars.

“I did. A few different battlefields, actually, but none for several years.” John smiled fondly at Jamie for a moment.

“What are ye staring at, Lord John?”

“You. Just…you. Here. In my bed, in my arms. I cannot quite believe it.”

“Aye,” Jamie brought his hand up to rub his thumb across John’s cheek, “but it feels right.”

“It does,” John said as he laid down and pulled Jamie down on top of him in one fluid motion. Jamie had scarcely a moment to realize what had happened before his lips were upon John’s once again, their tongues entangled blissfully as before. They spent some time like this, wrapped up in each other’s bodies, before John reluctantly pulled himself away and out from under Jamie. They laid next to each other, breathing heavily.

“Is everything alright?” Jamie asked. 

“Yes, it’s just that if we do this for much longer, certain parts of my anatomy will no longer be entirely under my control.” 

Jamie chuckled. “No, I wouldna think so.” At John’s raised eyebrows, he continued, “Ye dinna have to have done this wi’ a man before to understand how that part of it works.”

“No, I suppose not,” John laughed in return. “And I wanted to ask before – I didn’t want to assume that was something you wanted to…”

“It’s not that I dinna want to, ‘tis only that I think I should be certain, before we do.”

“Of course,” John said as he reached over and squeezed Jamie’s hand. “I never want you to feel-”

“I ken. You’re a good man, John.” They laid there in a warm silence for a few minutes before Jamie added, “But dinna stop asking if I’m ready.”

“I promise.”


End file.
